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Sometimes, I wish that I could gain a little perspective on things. I worry about a lot of things. I know in the long run they are going to be insignificant. Like most people, I worry about wanting things that I can’t have. Some are simply material goods: an iPod, a pen tablet, an apartment to myself, and maybe even a mattress instead of another new futon. But aside from gadgets, I want something more. I want to be understood. In an often desperate attempt to be accepted by everyone, I have managed to lose myself.
I participate in several circles in multiple social mediums. The first that comes to mind is family, now more obligatory than enjoyable. Then there are old friends, friends I’ve known since high school and even before. I also have strong bonds with an online community. I will never meet these people, but I have a definite role within their ranks. In college, I formed bonds with my peers. The fact that most of them live far away makes things easier. I don’t worry about them, knowing that together we learned skills to survive. It was after college where things got tricky. I lost the ability to make friends of my own. I lurked and eventually wormed my way into a world of artists and students. While all of these people are friendly, I do not know if we would be called “friends.” When I began working, I found it necessary to join another circle. I wanted to show I was a team player. I participate in after-work activities, enjoying the company of my co-workers. This is especially dangerous due to the high turnover rate of my position. Recently, I became part of a new social group; a bunch of young-guns getting together to watch movies and drink beer. It seemed organic, and it seemed to work. For a week or two I felt like I belonged. But I don’t. They claim to like me, but it seems forced and fake. And it would be unfair to say its not mutual.
In each of these social circles, I amplify a different aspect of my self. I am the voice of reason, the moral high ground, the oddball who somehow has advice to give, the guy from the bluegrass state, the glassblower wannabe, the weird guy, and the sarcastic smart-ass. The problem is that I can’t seem to make all of these converge. My friends, family, and co-workers, each only see one aspect of me. I want to meet someone who can make the deeper realization: that I am complex.
And while more often than not, I dwell on personality and acceptance, it is important to remember the individual who causes me think “I am making progress.”
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someday, I’ll get what I want. The list is small, but the items are huge
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I’m starting to regress back into a broody depression I think. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks
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I <3 Sagan
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it really sucks that I have such emotionally self-destructive tendencies sometimes @_@
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fort night was awesome
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Blargh. Yesterday, overall, really sucked. I sneezed so hard I gave my self whiplash early on in the day. Then the lady whose apartment I was supposed to look at didn’t show up. Then I was going to go bowling, but those plans fell through (damn leagues!). I also ended up getting sleepy (probably because my energy was gone from getting really excited, then extremely let down several times). I did get to see Alexia one on one for the first time for a long time, which was actually really stress reliving. Then I went to Cumberland and had to listen to my dad and my cocky brother banter for a couple hours. Then there was a pseudo-family emergency and emotions around the house got really heightened. Then I fell asleep and didn’t have enough energy to go see Mara, which I had been waiting for all day. So not only did I get let down throughout the day, but then I let people down by not going out, which is one of the worst things for me in accordance to my personality. So yeah…crappy…
I’m about to go into work today, it should be busy, I’m hoping. And then hopefully I can see Mara. We shall see.
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cold cold cold cold
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Kind of feel like I don’t have any friends anymore…just a bunch of people I happen to know. I know that its partly because I have a lot of free time compared to everyone else and the fact that I’m ridiculously codependent (I think that’s the right word) Most people I know are busy with school, but somehow everyone I know that is done with school, has managed to become a recluse. And then there are people that I don’t really know that well. And even though I want to get to know them better, things just never work out. I’m kind of pissed that I have to resort back to the internet to find people to talk to or to vent. Just sort of feel like I’ve been forgotten.
Side note, I’ve also been having sleeping issues. Basically I sleep to much because I have nothing else to do. Isn’t that a sign of depression? =/
Also, having no luck finding an apartment. I just can’t win. -
if i dream about zombies i’m gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissed
itsfullofstars
